Putting Texas On Notice


I’m so damn tired of hearing about Texas. I get it, they have money and should never find themselves outside of the top 10 due to their resources and in-state talent, so the Horns rolling into Bryant-Denny Stadium ranked 11th is somewhat ironic I suppose.

Since meeting in the Rose Bowl in January 2010, Bama and Texas have lived in opposite worlds. While the Tide’s dominated the sport’s landscape for a decade-plus, the Longhorns have languished in the Land of Mid, which is made all the more puzzling considering the advantages they were given. The Worldwide Leader in Sports gifted them their own TV network and that didn’t help so now ESPN is turning the sport on its head in the form of conference realignment to find Texas a home where they can become more relevant.

Talking about biting the hand that’s trying to feed you.

To be fair to those talking heads, Bama does have a pretty big sack. I’m talking Cornelius Bennett on Steve Beuerlein level of sackage. And there’s something oddly perverse about crying about past perceived slights to talk yourself into believing Destiny will carry you to glory but some guys really do think the stripper likes them (as long as she doesn’t have a monkey.)

RIP Bob Barker… the Price was never wrong.
And sterilize your pets.

Now I feel for this guy here. It’s one thing to hope, a whole other to tie that hope to a cherished memory and risk true emotional damage. College football will make you do dumb things like expect a QB to develop a deep passing game against Alabama when it wasn’t there against Rice but some people dare to dream and I applaud them. It’s dumb, but better than being pessimistic I guess.

Oh my God I remember this stage of grief from the Mike Shula days (BTW: Mike Shula is a KING for coming to Bama when he did. Dude risked his career because Mama Called and bridged a crucial gap to help Saban succeed. Tough days for sure but Mike’s one of ours.) These fans are wistfully remembering happier times in hopes they’ll return which means they haven’t bottomed out yet. By Saturday night, Bama will help push them closer.

Man, I’m all for supporting mental health so I don’t want to dim this fan’s shine but I think you need to maybe halve your dosage because this is pure delusion. It’s also probably because Alabama football isn’t as fun as it used to be. It’s either you win a game you’re supposed to, which is a lot more relief than celebration (natties excluded) and the losses are rare and infuriating. Texas fans though? Hope is a helluva drug.

And now for your typical Texas fan: cup half empty and praying the waitress tops off your sweet tea soon because you take too big a bite and the threat of choking on your hubris always looms. Sark was a great OC, but Tommy Rees has brought Bama back to its roots with a run-first attack and Tide fans are very aroused about its possibilities. Damn, Milroe’s gonna smoke y’all’s asses like a pork butt. I admire the Texas brisket game, but Saban’s going to make y’all eat some Bama Hawg Saturday night.

If you aren’t aware, Texas and the Tide have engaged in some mild, petty shenanigans in this out-of-conference series. Opposing fans and marching bands have been put in the corners of upper decks because feelings don’t count in football. However, if it’s water and sand you want Horns fans, take your ass to Orange Beach where you’re going to have a lot more fun. It’s hard to be sad at the Flora-Bama.

I appreciate Texas wanting to establish some ground rules for fairness. I myself wouldn’t want to face the full force Bama’s whirling death machine because pain is imminent. And there’s that Texas football tradition of still hating on your own coach, so might as well wrap it up there.

You heard it here first: Texas rushes for less than 100 yards, passes for under 250, turns the ball over twice and takes its ass back to Austin with a giant red handprint across its face. Arch Manning throws his first TD on the final play of the game to leave the score at 37-16 Bama. The bitch slaps will continue until morale improves.

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